Jared, Lucrisha, & Leylan

Have you ever thought what in the world is going on with my life??? I myself have dealt with this feeling several times in my life. I'm a true believer that God has a plan for it all. This time feels so different. It's like I would like to know the plan now before I lose it. Granted, we have fallen out of church and haven't been in sometime. I'm sure this has alot to due with me feelings like this. This should be one of the happiest times in my life. It however most days feels far from it. So many things just seem overwhelming now a days.
I haven't spoken to my father in months. He has a drinking problem and refuses to get help. For so many year, I have helped this man and stuck in there. Now I refuse to let my son see the same things I have seen during the drinking days. People have even told me that I should be ashamed of myself for not talking to him. I have tried everything for this man to stop drinking. I knew the best way to get my point across is to stay away. He knows that I care for him, but he needs to stop. He leaves me voice mails all the time. I do listen to these. One of the last ones was Babe, that is what he calls me, I have started taking medicine for my drinking again. So maybe he will follow through this time. I won't hold my breath.
I spoke in an earlier blog about taking over another store with my job. As you can guess this is not going very well. I'm guessing, I should keep the details private, but it's just a very stressful time with my position. As with everything else I know this will get better if I just hang in there. Sometimes, I just think if I wasn't as stressed at work my chest would feel a little lighter. You always have some stress at work that not realistic to think you don't. If I could just get a 100lb stress load instead of 300lb weight on me I would feel better.
My last issue seems to be a really selfish one. Before Leylan I had several close friends and we actually got to hang out and release some of our stresses with each other. Now that Leylan is here that seems to have gone away in most part due to myself. The one night I went to a friend's house he got sick. That made me feel awful that I wasn't there with him. While he was in the hospital and I couldn't have him all the time I think that really screwed with me. As of course he is home now and I work and don't see him like while I was on my maternity leave. You know I read in a Parenting Magazine that the United States has the one of the least time off for new mommies. Even some of the poorest places let a woman stay home longer and some even with pay. Anyways, it seems like I have lost my identity. Jared still seems to go hunting which is his thing. Yes, I have discussed this with him. He tells me make plans with the girls he will watch Leylan, but I feel bad almost guilty for leaving him. Ashley tells me that she feels the same way. That she is misses a part of her anytime she does something without Kae Kae. I have in my head I will miss something and someone else may see it. I can't keep Leylan in a box for my viewing only. I really want Leylan to be more of a family person, which I haven't been since my Mamaw's passing. There are so many folks that love this little guy. He should be able to feel that love. Today after his appointment I took him to Edna. I myself had an appointment later. Then after that I went home to rest and try to clean. Really I just took advantage of the rest. People don't tell you forget about yourself and only think of the baby. That's all part of being a mommy which I'm learning. But a healthy mom needs to still feel like an individual from time to time. I know that my girls are still there. I just have to reach out more. I am really bad with that.
Sorry for people that read this and think this girl has lost it. Well that is probably close to the truth or just thoughts people are ashamed to express. Me on the other hand I don't for the most part seem to have an edited button in my brain. What you get is what you get. It gets so old taking on every one's burdens and always putting yourself last. So to those new moms or soon to be remember you need to have a life. For those of you that have obtained that life congrats to you. I am trying to learn how to do that myself. So Luck to you girls. If you have an ideas or advise for me please leave me a comment. This blog is sometimes better than therapy.
Side note...all the words are spelled correct, but I don't have my editor here.