- Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Alright for those of you that know me know that my family life wasn't and isn't a cake-walk. For those of you that don't, the short version is I'm a child of divorce, have an alcoholic parent, and a broken relationship with one parent. These lovely things have made me a very closed person. It is very hard to let people in, even the good people. Sorry about that folks. I vowed to myself a long time ago when I have children that we would have a strong relationship and quote an easier life. It is so amazing how soon you realize you are not the one in control of that. I sure did after the journey we have been through this year. I have always been the tough little chick looking from the outside. Things were always put on me to take care of she can handle it. Well guess what folks...I can't.
In May all that seemed to fall apart. During my life I just thought I had experienced sadness, pain, and fear. Little did I know that was all just a building block to get me to this point. The night before Leylan came I knew something was terribly wrong when we left for the hospital. My fears were right after three hospitals and a few Rural Metro rides later he was coming. Here I was again "Miss. Control" with no control at all. During the whole time I never once felt that I would lose him. God comforted me with that. Things would be hard at first, but he wouldn't be leaving me. Jared has definitely been my shoulder to lean on thorough this whole thing. While I was in the hospital all I wanted to do was cry. I was putting up the whole tough girl image for everyone that visited though. I was very sad and confused why this experience was cut short. The worst part I didn't even have Leylan with me to show for it. The hardest part was me leaving the hospital without him. During his stay we would visit everyday. I would tell myself daily we are lucky he is doing so good. He is in the best hands and exactly were he needs to be. I know this sounds crazy, but I told myself I shouldn't be seeing him anyways. He should still be inside me. I was blessed to already be able to see him. It was however difficult having to plan to see your own baby. Constantly having someone watch you never having a private moment with him. When they told us he could finally go home we both shouted. To me it was like I just had him. He would finally be all ours. We could finally be a real full-time family.
You know as far as the pregnancy that was supposed to be this wonderful experience. One of which you can share with your partner and enjoy. We never really had that time together. My stomach was painful to the touch during the last few months of my prego time. Poor Jared never really got to feel Leylan move at all. I myself didn't get to experience those big kicks and punches you are supposed to feel. Some of you may say you are lucky. No, lucky would be having a normal pregnancy. I felt blind-sided. What was my special time with Leylan was cut short without warning. Then having to work and others getting to share that time with him at the hospital and me not really hurt. That should have been still our time. Don't get me wrong I am very blessed that things have went as well as they have. That is in thanks to all the prayers and support. I just expected that to be one of the best times of our lives. In all reality it is a time that I will always remember, but sadly want to hide away in my head.
Writing all this is just helping me to let out some of this that has been stuck in my head for months now. I did on Monday go over all this again and it drained me. I guess this is how I am opening up so much how. I really didn't like the feeling I had on Monday.
Back to Leylan having it easier in life what a joke. He has been a trooper since the moment he came into this world. All the hospital staff would comment on how he is a fighter. They called him a little spit fire which I have been called several times in my life. In my heart I know that he may not look like me, but he definitely has my spirit. I know that scares alot of you folks...Sorry. He has already had his first trial in life and passed with flying colors. Now I hope to start the easy days for him. I know we will have the relationship part down. There is no way after all we have been through that I would every turn from him. Having Leylan is something I would go through all over again just to feel my little guy in my arms each day. This is a love that I never knew existed and I love it.
1 comments:
That is an amazing story and I am so glad you decided to share it with us. You are an incredibly strong person and Leylan has shown his strong side too! I love you all and still pray for you!
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